Posted in NO BORDER

On Understanding the Atypical Aim

Today, a miracle happened. Mia texted me good morning and I didn’t know what to make of it. I panicked. What was she planning? What did she want?  Why? After the pain that she caused me, am I ready to talk to her? Then I read her reply in her blog and I felt my temper rising again. I calm myself down and tell myself that it’s her way – but i couldn’t help it. She just gets to me.

It’s her high and mighty tone, her finger pointing at me, her haughty stare that gets to me. Though it is simply a blog, she acts so ABOVE me. She acts so superior that I just want to pull her down so she could see what’s going on.

It’s her being so different. It’s her trying too hard to be someone she thinks she is. It’s her trying to put on a persona of indifference to the world and putting on a mask of apathy. It’s her trying to be too mature. It’s her trying too hard to put out a face of strength.

The real Mia I see underneath those high and mighty posts with words out of the vernacular is a simple, creative girl, who loves to sing. She sings, she writes, she smiles  and she doesn’t have to put on a front. She is strong enough to face the challenges in her path, she is wise to discern her way – and she doesn’t have to prove it to anyone. She has a heart that loves her family and friends – and she would do anything for them – even leave them so they would be happy. She tries so hard, and is so hardworking and patient. It’s painfully apparent that she has own her dreams she wants to go through and it frustrates me that she’s treating herself this way.

She’s done so much introspecting that she forgot to see what really is happening around her. Though it may be good for her and she feels good about it, what about the people around her? Those who felt ignored and pushed away from her “personal  retreats”. How about the people who actually want to share with her but she would ignore as  “needy and clingy”. How about her acting so above everyone because she has found some introspective light that we can’t see? The real Mia I know is proud of herself but not arrogant.

However, she wouldn’t apologize because she never thought she was wrong. There was nothing wrong with what she was doing. She was simply trying to understand herself. But it was selfish. Very selfish. But, to her it was self-preserving.  And seeing her like this is hurting me.

I said harsh words. But it is only to express my frustration about her. Her sharp tongue was never needed when I was depressed. Instead of lashing that whip of sarcasm at me, she could have said nothing and listened. But that is HER and I couldn’t force her to change the self that she wanted and designed herself to be.

Maybe I was doing the same thing – not maybe – I was pushing people away to protect myself from hurt again. Because of it, I am too jaded to trust. I want to protect myself from the prickles of the words that may be slung at me. I was blinded by fear of hurting that  I couldn’t even see her simple greeting and well-wishes for what it is. I keep on thinking about her sarcasm and thinking about many things that she might mean.

All from a simple “good morning! smile.”

I want to be alright with her again. But I do believe that we are like oil and water, we simply can’t stick together. What is better for us is for each to live on her own- a breakup that is necessary for growth. But it HURTS.

I want to see the Mia I fell in love with. Not this abomination pretending to be her. I want to see the Mia who is true to herself – not this person who is trying too hard to please God knows who.
I want to see the Mia who has a heart  – not the cold hearted human she turned out to be.

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Author:

A 30 something fangirl, writer, artist and dreamer, a princess by day and ninja by night who believes in magic, true love and wants to change the world one brush stroke at a time. Marikit is a self-taught artist learning more about art and the world around her.

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