There is still pain. Everytime I think of it, there is still pain. Losing two of them at the same time felt like my heart has been ripped to shreds. It still does – but maybe I am the only one feeling it. They have both moved on with their lives. They forgot all about the five years of friendship behind us and it breaks my heart. Was I the only one who totally needed them? Were they only there for the ride? Was it only something fleeting?
I thought of them as sisters. I thought of them as part of my life. I thought of them as friends – treasures that are rare in this world. One of them, Mia, is a writer – who is introspective and with words that flow like water from a stream. We are born in the same star sign, in the same week, but we could NEVER mix. We are like oil and water – yet we tried to be friends. Her tongue and pen are like knives that cut into me – perhaps what she says is true, though sometimes unnecessary or uncalled for. She says she sees her faults and has insight of herself – yet she is blind to many things that she probably won’t accept especially if I tell her.
The other, Resha, is a smiling face. But it’s her poker face – I really don’t know what she’s thinking. She shows us the cheerful side of herself. She tries to let nothing affect her and that’s not a bad thing. But to tell stories that are highly unbelievable is something else. Yet, we all do that. We all fall into this cycle of lies to make us feel better about ourselves. We all dream to be better than we are.
Would they believe it if I thought they were trying too hard to “be herself”? Would they believe it if I said they were delusional? She won’t. Because we all live in our own personal utopia – our own fairytale land where we protect ourselves with the things we believe are our own strengths and weaknesses. People may argue with me and say that, YOU THINK YOU KNOW BETTER? I don’t. But I am willing to accept what other things I could change in my brokenness. I know I am a flawed – correct that- trash of a human being right now.
I mean, I am not better than them- I am WORSE. I am 32, unemployed, with no hope in sight. I delude myself with stories – mostly in my dreams and written on paper. I lose myself in MMORPGs to pass the time and to get rid of sadness. I’ve lost all self esteem. I can’t even find the strength in myself to make myself look decent. I am broken, depressed and lost. At the very least, I thought that I had friends. Apparently, I didn’t. It’s my own fault for believing that they were. It’s my own fault for being such a LOSER.
I couldn’t blame them because they didn’t want their fingers burned. However, there was one that stood with me through the fire. Hydee. Sweet Hydee who was miles apart from me. She listened to me – and it was all I needed. I didn’t need some great advice from beyond? I didn’t need a hug and a kiss and a pat. I didn’t need some supernatural phenomena. All I needed was for someone to listen to me and she did that when everyone else was scared of being burned.
She told me she would never leave me and I believed her. Even if I threw her away, even if we don’t talk daily. She would never. She called me sister. She didn’t judge me. She knew I was living with something tough to bear. So she made my life bearable by allowing me to vent- and I didn’t take much from her – at least I thought, I was considerate. It was all I needed. It was all I needed.
And when the mist lifted from my eyes, she was still there and I knew that she would be there forever. The sadness replaced by gratitude, the tears replaced with a gentle smile. She is going to be cheering me on – going to be there every step of the way- going to help me rebuild by lending an ear and sharing herself with me.
I am not whole yet. Far from it, I haven’t even finished picking up the pieces of myself yet. But it’s nice to know that I wouldn’t have to go through it alone. Perhaps, if the other two would understand that and accept my profuse apologies I am only hoping that we could rebuild as well.
But out of three, there was one – and I am grateful. I am blessed with such a friend.