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Bittersweet Realizations

Bittersweet. That is probably the best way to describe what I am feeling right now. Sweet because, I once again have a reason to smile – my brother passed the November 2011 Bar Examinations on his first try.  I am so proud of him. I am ecstatic to the point of tears when I found out yesterday with shaking hands about the results of he bar. When I saw his name, it was as if I was washed over with cool water – I was so relieved.  I suddenly thought, everything will be okay…

… then again, it’s not…

Bitter. I thought bitterly about what is going on with my life. My brother is doing well and I am happy, but I am not. At 32, I have proved nothing to myself except that I am a fool. I have more talent than my brother, yet he struggled and got to where he is. I have been resting in my laurels for so long that I didn’t know that they were dry and withered to the point that I couldn’t recognize them anymore.

I have been miserable. And I have to get out of this misery. I hate my relationship with my boyfriend right now.  I hate myself for letting myself go and be this miserable person. I have to change. I have to start pushing the bar higher.

The other day in small group, they asked, what is hindering you from doing what God is wanting you to do? I answered focus. But that may not be it.  I may be holding on to things that should be let go. I need to renew to make myself stop feeling worthless. I have to reinvent. I have to let go an Let GOD.

Lord, my prayer is that he realizes the pain he has caused me and that he finds you as his Lord and Saviour.

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Author:

A 30 something fangirl, writer, artist and dreamer, a princess by day and ninja by night who believes in magic, true love and wants to change the world one brush stroke at a time. Marikit is a self-taught artist learning more about art and the world around her.

One thought on “Bittersweet Realizations

  1. Knowing what God will is in our life is something but obeying his will is something else 🙂 often times we delay obeying him due to our fears and not trusting him fully because we are afraid of what will happen… it is only through faith that we will have the courage to let go and let God. It is never easy to defy our ideals in exchange for his good and perfect will. but in order for us to do the right thing we have to be steady, and give up the things we want the most even if it cost us our dreams 🙂

    my prayer for you is that you will have the courage to do what is right no matter how hard it is 😉

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