For the last few years, I have been praying the same prayer.
Lord, give me someone who I can be myself with. Someone who I can pour my heart out to and would not judge me. Someone smart. Someone who talks sense into me. Someone who will free me and not restrain me. Someone who YOU think is right for me. Your choice not mine. Amen.
And for the last few relationships, I have failed. Maybe because I was too stubborn. I was to pigheaded and too blinded by pretty faces, sweet talkers and the idea of falling in love. I was always caught starting relationships too fast. I fell in love for the wrong reasons and at the wrong time. I fell in love with people who were totally wrong for me – just to say that I had a relationship. I also said I was “in love” and forced myself to feel that – even when I was completely void of the feeling. I was rushing in like a fool, hurrying love like a mad woman who is fearing that she will never have a chance again.
But I was wrong. So wrong.
After a few months of celibacy and contemplation. I realized, that my whole life was a comedy of romantic errors that started from my first crush up to the last guy I dated. I have gone through it all. From being rejected to rejecting people – from falling head over heels in love to totally not being in love. From good guys to stupid guys, from bad boys to gay guys. I have had it all.
So my experience with love has been extensive, and well… exciting. I should write a book about it. But, I will refrain from doing so until I confirm with myself that I am comfortable about writing about love.
Right now, I am in a dilemma. I have enjoyed my almost a year of celibacy and have completely understood the fact that I should never rush into things like these. I also understood that to love is to trust a person completely. To be primarily his partner and friend and then his better half. That to fall in love, you must be honest and completely committed and sure about yourself and all that goes with it.
It’s not roses and chocolates. That is passe’. It’s not dates and dinners out. (Though those are good avenues to get to know each other). It’s not just romance. It’s completely understanding the other person, completely caring for him and wanting him in your life. You should be comfortable with him. You should want to take care of thim and you should see a future with him.
Gone are the days when I need a romance that is totally mind boggling and heart pounding. What I need right now is a Love that is PRACTICAL. I am not young anymore. I am 30 for crying out loud – wait, no- 31.
So I am now not looking for a few dates. I am looking for someone for keeps. I am ready to start really dating now seriously.
I really hope my next love will be my last. And I have been good lately, so I do know that God will answer my prayer.