There are certain things that I recently realized that made everything that didnt used to make sense in my life make sense. These realizations made me feel that I am so much a better person than I thought I was.
I have been through hell and back lately. Literally with the amount of things and real life drama that’s going on in my life. I hide it well, showing a happy face to the crowd who watches me intently case I fall down and crumble. They’re waiting for it. They want me to fail. They need me to fail. But I won’t let them know that I know this. I won’t let them know that I know that they are watching.
Besides, I have done nothing wrong to warrant fear. The reality of this is that I am doing well. Even though there are times when I do stumble, I pick myself up and try to recreate myself from the dust. There is nothing wrong witha few bumps and bruises along the way. Especially growing up like I did.
When I was growing up, I felt hated. I felt loathed, dirty, ugly and vile. I felt like I wanted to die most of the time because my cousins and Aunts would laugh at me on the way to school. I was never in the IN-CROWD with them. I was always the odd man out. It was like I was never included with them.
As a child, I learned to defend myself from this kind of bullying and therefore went back into myself preferring reading, writing and drawing as an outlet of my frustration. So, I grew up different than they. They were the popular kids in school. I was the geek and the oddball.
Even in school, my insecurities showed. I felt that I would never match up to my cousin’s beauty or popularity or friendliness because I was incomplete. I felt cheated and jaded. I felt separated from everyone. There were multiple times in my childhood that I wanted to kill myself and die. I wanted to just be free of this world that hated me.
I started to blame it on my parents. I started to rebel. I hated myself. I drew attention and got love in the wrong sort of way. I was lost and I could not define myself for who I really am. I was abused – sexually, physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Raped and tormented, torn and broken. I didn’t know what to do.
But I lived through it, I managed to survive. I escaped from every torment with my mind. I imagined my reality. I lived within daydreams and stories. I couldn’t face reality because I felt ugly, unimportant and I was cruel to myself. I was ashamed of the person I am and have become. you couldn’t imagine the torture I went through.
Everyday, I prayed I wanted to die.
When I got married, it was an escape. I wanted to go away . I was scared of what would happen to me if I did go back. I wanted to leave behind that stigma and reinvent myself. But then, my insecurities came to haunt me. I heard the things said behind my back and they were like knives stuck to my soul. I couln’t let go.
I often wondered what I did wrong. I was kind to people to a fault. I was good. I didn’t do drugs. I never killed people. I don’t steal. Even then, I felt abused and wronged. I felt half of the reason why my marraige failed was because I couldn’t let go and hold up true to myself. I lost ME.
Then, I started really living. Slowly and surely reinventing and reliving myself. Slowly, I gained myself back. Slowly I got to this point when I realized was that, IT WAS NOT MY FAULT. I AM NOT UGLY AND SHAMEFUL. I WAS MADE TO BELIEVE I WAS. I WAS A VICTIM OF HATE, ENVY AND REVENGE. I don’t know why they had to include me in their schemes, but I was.
The truth is, though I was partially at fault for letting it affect me. Someone had orchestrated it all for me . Someone created rumors about me and my mother and my family. he tried to break us. He tried to break my father with his poisonous tongue and lies. He used me and my mother- tainting our reputations with libel and slander to make him go on top.
Just he wait. But for now, I feel that I am reborn and renewed. I don’t feel I hate mysef. I feel stronger than I was before. I feel empowered with this knowledge that it wasn’t my fault. I can love myself now – truly. And I realized, I am smarter, wiser, beautiful and more wonderful than they will ever be.