The end of the year wasn’t kind to me as I lost my 2nd Grandfather near New Year. I realized that my 30th year on Earth was perhaps the most miserable ever. I could only count the times I really smiled. I could count the times where I gave a damn and I could count the times where I have had the mood to do anything.
I try to pull myself out of that zone. Trying to keep an optimistic look at life. I try as much as possible to keep a poker face to those whom I work with and everyone else. I wanted to shut out all the emotions I have had for the past six months. I didn’t want anyone to know that I was hurt, or lonely or in pain. I was just plain scared. Scared that I would get hurt again. Scared that if I get too close, I would end up crying.
So I ended up crying alone. As one of my good friends said, “Why did you become a pusher of people?” What he meant was that I pushed people away. And it was true. I have become cold, unfeeling and emotionless. I have become a void. And I just didn’t care.
I lost important people in my life because of this. I didn’t care – I wanted to suffer alone. I just wanted not to bring people into the internal mess that I was in. I created again a bubble that no one can pierce through. A cocoon that I felt safe in. that was until someone tried to pierce into it and I found myself lost.
The end of 2010 made me think a lot. I attended a friend’s wedding and realize how lost I felt without her. How long I have shut myself out from people who care about me? I don’t know. I thought that I was alright alone. I thought I was strong alone. I thought I could make it alone. Apparently, though I could do many things. I am unique and I am quite sure of myself on my own. I still feel that when I go from this world, no one would care – because I didn’t let them.
This year, I swear that I would try to connect with more people. Restore lost bonds. get back in shape and start smiling. I know that both Grandfathers would want me to break out of this Force Field I have put out around me and start really living.
I will not fear hurt anymore. It’s part of life. What can life throw at me anyway that I could not bear? I have gone through everything. There is nothing unimaginable in my opinion. I believe that I am going to make this 31st year of my life my year. I will not be lost anymore.
I am not dead. I dont want to die before I stop breathing. I want to feel alive. I want to live. I want to fall in love. I want to have friends. I want to start my life a new. I don’t want to fear what people would say. I want to fly.
THAT IS WHAT I PRAY FOR THIS 2011.