Disclaimer: I thought about this conversation long and hard. It gave me an idea to write this blog. I think people should realize that there is a chronology that most women go through when it comes to love, relationships and marriage. Please note of course, that this is a generalization and does not apply to all women. To those who do not like this blog, I am open to critique. This is simply my opinion on things. Enjoy.
I was talking to S, a good friend of mine, last night about relationships. We are both highly educated, highly desirable women in our fabulous 3-0’s. The only difference is that she was SINGLE. I was not. In fact, she was congratulating me on my success in finding my match.
S:: I see that your face is blooming. You are romantically satisfied. I guess you’re happy now.
Me: I am. He makes me very very happy. I’m done with the dating game, S. We are not getting any younger. I want a family. I want children.
S: So are you ready to settle down?
Me: Most definitely, yes. We have a two year plan.
S: Kung sa bagay, I also want to find someone, get married and have children din soon. I am grateful that I enjoyed single life for this long but now, I guess it’s time to get serious. I do want a family. I was thinking that maybe, the doctor from PGH that I didn’t smile at was my match. But because I didn’t smile, I lost the chance to meet him. How tragic!
Me: Maybe… but maybe we should not be too idealistic in our standards anymore.
S: They’re not too high, girl. Just right. I guess I am just not looking.
Me: I wasn’t looking when I found mine. I kept on searching for mine in the wrong avenues. He was right beside me all along.
S: I hope I find mine soon…
Me: I hope so too.
When we were younger our idea of love was such a fairy tale. Our idea of the perfect guy was based upon stories of fantasy where we find a handsome Prince Charming, all bedecked in gorgeous clothes, perfect figure, a winning heart melting smile, a voice like a DJ, tall, handsome and looking like the perfect specimen of the male species. He is sweet, romantic, funny, brave, chivalrous, brave, smart and can cure-all with a kiss (even bring us back from the dead!). He is magical. He is cool with the parents, wonderful with children and he has eyes only for us. He cooks wonderful meals and still can slay a dragon. He does everything for us and has time to adore us and tell us how beautiful we our and how sexy we are in his eyes even if we are a 200 lbs beauty. Whattaguy!! BUT HE IS DEFINITELY NOT ONE THING: HE IS NOT REAL! He is a figment of our childish over active imagination and he can never come alive from the fairy tale.
Yet, we hold on to this dream for as long as we can, hoping that somehow some semblance of this guy comes our way and realize our desperate cling to fantasy. We want our future husbands to be like that and we won’t settle for anything else. Anything lower would be a disgrace.
When we are a bit older, like in our tweens, we realize that love isn’t such a fairy tale and we start to crush on Idols, Celebrities, book characters, movie characters and even cartoon characters because they are closer to our ideal than people in real life. We realize by this time, that Prince Charming isn’t so charming, but maybe someone out there is perfect for us. We still carry an idealistic view of the right guy and still hang on to these ideas up until we start seeing real guys.
When we realize that there are boys around us, we start looking at them in a different light. The boys that we used to throw mudpies at when we were younger then become more attractive to us. There are ideas of puppy love, Crushes start to form. Eventually, we fall in love.
When we are about seventeen or so, generally, that is when we experience our first love. First love never dies. First love lasts forever. First love is always the greatest. These clichés are things that we hear all the time. Partially true, we never lose the flame for whoever it is that we deem our first love. Why? It is because this is the time when we experience the beauty of loving for the first time. With it, there would be disappointment, the first heartbreak and their first sleepless night. It would of course be memorable, crazy and raw.
After a few tries in the dating game, maybe when we are in our twenties, we eventually become cynical and skeptical about men and love. The Prince Charmings of our dreams eventually become tainted. We wake up to the realization that they are not real. That fairy tales are not supposed to be believed in and that those who believe in them are crazy and delirious people who should be on medication or admitted in a special ward.
Because we have woken up to the harsh reality of life, we learn that Prince Charming is not so Charming. There is no such thing as a magical cure-all kiss. And guys who are too beautiful and too proper are either Narcissists, or Gay. We also wake up to the fact that majority of the guys out there are complete players, douchebags and/or assholes who use women for money or sex. This is the reason a lot of twenty something women remain single for a long time.
Once in a while we find someone decent, a guy who might just be alright. But sometimes, standards are not enough and it is necessary to actually have a good relationship with a guy. But for a desperate 25+ something who fears of the term OLD SPINSTER. Women resort do desperate measures. They threaten, bribe and cajole men to fathering their children and marrying them. This turns men off – because let’s face it. Men at 20+ hear the M word and they break out running.
Where are all the good guys? 30 something and still single.
For most women, the marrying age is 26. But right now, women are more career oriented and so the marrying age is now 30. ( Woot! I’m still in) But generally, a single woman about to enter her Big 3-0 is probably thinking one of these:
- OH NOES!! I WILL BE AN OLD SPINSTER! I WILL GROW UP AND DIE ALONE, LOVELESS! I AM SO UGLY AND UNFABULOUS. NO ONE WANTS ME. I SHOULD MAKE MYSELF OVER. *PANIC*
- Who needs men?! Money makes the world go round. Plus, there is no one out there as beautiful as I am who deserves me.
- Mr. Right is still out there, just fashionably late. (or should I send out the search and rescue team)
- *dead* I am hopeless. I will never get married.
- I should bribe/point a gun at (insert poor victim’s name)’s head and force him to get married.
Truth is, women in their 30s generally want to be settled down and married. Most say it’s because of the baby envy, the social pressure to be settled down and the biological calendar ticking. But, you know what? That doesn’t have to be the case. They want romance, marriage and a happy family life in their daily agenda – but they aren’t being proactive about it. They leave it all in their imagination. They still think that somewhere, some random handsome stranger would sweep them off their feet and take them to paradise. The women who think that generally get abused or raped.
It is in this age that desperation sinks in. Some women are so desperate they tend to buy the men by paying for dates, buying guys stuff and generally being sugar mommies. The others, give their body to the guy too soon in thinking that if they don’t they lose the guy. Sisters, if you are doing this. STOP NOW before it’s too late. You only lose the guy faster than you can say S-E-X if you do this.
The others use facebook, and other social networking/dating sites to get guys. Though, that works sometimes, we should be wary of the dangers these networks bring. The best way to get guys is by going out there, and actually being social yourself. A few dinners, a friendly date, coffee and a movie won’t hurt. Getting yourself out there is the most important part! The more people you know, the more people you can attract. It is also proven mathematically, you see that the bigger your social network is, the higher the probability that you will find a match. So get out there!
Of course, once you hit it off with a guy, it’s important that you keep the communication going. Don’t be too clingy though or you chase him away again. Men, hate clingy desperate women the most. Just enjoy! Let’s not be too hasty on things and let love naturally develop. But also, please be realistic – let’s not grab ideals but let’s not grab the next Tom, Dick or Harry that comes into our life.
We should exercise dating with caution. Dating with care and with our head firmly on top of your head and your heart open to love, is the way to go. And remember, he’s out there- your perfect match. There is always someone out there who will complete you. Everyone has one. So believe in love…
P.S. Check out more dating advice in http://7inheaven.wordpress.com/