9 days to go. I’ll be 30. the Big 3-0. Nearly out of the calendar. And what have I done in my life. I don’t know really if I’m excited or not. All I know is that it’s big, it’s the start of a new decade. And so, what do I have to say for myself this decade? hmmm..
MARIA: The telenovela
Yep. It’s that crazy. The last 10 years have been probably the most stressful, craziest ive ever been. Roaring 20s? more of Dazed and confused. I think I need a recap.
20 – started with a bang. literally. left for the US
21- adjustment to life in the US.
22-fell in love
23 – got married
25- hell. divorced.
26- INSANITY (temporary or permanent? I dont know) and INDEPENDENCE. Suicidal. death.
27- regret, rewind and restart.reeducate
28 – graduate. rebirth. moving on. ice.
29 – stability, change, and the taming of the beast. Broken again.
so there. the clearly vague description of my life. I want to write a book or a screenplay. I’d probably make millions. I want Anne Curtis or … hmmm… Mariel to act as Maria. or someone equally fashionable and fabulous. Just not Judai — ewww! Or KC… i dont like her.
yes, again, i lived the fabulous drama filled life. And I am bearing the burden of it. I made a lot of stupid choices – mostly , impulsive, rash and immature choices that ruined me entirely. I don’t regret them. ( most of them, at least) I know what I did and I know that whatever I decided was what I have to face up to.
So my heart is totally duct taped, broken and almost hanging by the skin — and i am hoping that I don’t get broken once more.
As for my spirit, it was on an all time low the last decade, but I decided that 2010 will be a year of the FABULOUS. I have to stay positive. I had a makeover. I am losing more weight. I am going to get it this year.
It’s time to grow up, Maria. No more dilly-dallying. You may look 21, but in actuality you’re 30.
I am reconnecting with people. I can’t hide forever. I am starting to show myself out there. Because if I don’t, I’ll never find him. I’ll never find love. I’ll never find happiness.
It’s not that LOVE= HAPPINESS. No. It’s just that I think deep within me, I want to settle down. I want to be tamed. I want to be blissfully happy with someone who would take care of me. I am scared of dying alone.
I am not empty handed. I have a list of admirers/ beaus/ friends/ special friends/etc. Yet, I guess my heart grew tired of falling in love and falling out of love and my brain is starting to work. I’ve turned into ice. And lately, its been tough to crack.
I’ve tried to date. But would you call it love? More of like. Infatuation. Deep special friendship. But love? … maybe not to that extent that i would die for him. Yes, maybe there was love, but it wasnt enough to hold me.
But its 2010. I have to make it happen. I have to change the fact that I am alone. I have to find it. I have to get it, I’ll be a success. I have to start to fly. SO watch out world, I am back with the vengeance. I AM READY. AND IM PLAYING FOR KEEPS.
The past 10 days have been a whirlwind of events that started from someone away from me. I miss him. He’s close to me after all. The friendship is great. He loves me. I dont know if he’s the right person for me.
Then there’s the wonderful reconnection weekend with two people. A friend from 20 years back and a college crush who asked me out and I was eager to see. There was great conversation and magic. Catching up with old friends does that, when you get into the zone where you reminizce too much, think about the coulda-shoulda-woulda, get proud of how much you’ve changed. Tell people how strong you’ve become and show them that you’re basically not a failure in life.
And believe me, that wasn’t easy. Why?
Because I didnt really make the best impression on people in the past. I was so insecure that i let myself make the worst decisions when it came to relationships , friends and my life. I never thought I was pretty. I always thought that I was a nerd, weirdo or the laughing stock. I always thought that I wasnt that smart. I was really hard on myself – because – well, let’s not point fingers here, but I never felt that I was special in any way.
From time I remembered, I was always compared and always the underdog. I wanted to be as pretty, not as awkward and as sociable as my cousins but I didn’t know how. I was different, and I relished in it.
Now, 10 years after, I learned that I could have been that girl. The IT girl. Because it is only now that I found the confidence and the beauty in myself that I wish I saw years ago. Maybe, if I did, I wouldn’t be making bad decisions. Maybe if I loved myself before as much as I love myself now, then I would be doing great now.
But it’s no time to regret, it was a learning experience that I have to move from. I have learned and I am happy. 😀 I know that things will be great.
I am actually proud of myself now. Proud that I became who I am now. That I overcame myself at my worst and became this person I would want to be. A person who I want to hang out with, a person who I can actually show off. It only took 10 years…
Lately, I have been making all efforts to reconnect with my past. I want people to change their idea of who I am and I wat them to get to know the NEW ME…. Its an amazing feeling. Plus, you get to learn new things you didnt know. Such as, who liked you before and not.
There is someone who said they liked me since college too that I am getting to know. It’s been good so far. Maybe, its a possibility. My mind is open to a lot of that.
The past 10 days brought something back that I didn’t know I had still. A romantic streak… getting asked out by a college crush is always —- ALWAYS something good. I felt pretty. I felt desired. And I also felt “KILIG”… OH MY. GOD.
Nobody really knew I liked him too. 😀 I kept that crush to myself because he wasn’t that “cool”. But I always liked him. 😀 He was baby faced with to die for hair. And when I saw him again, I thought wow, it was still there. His shining eyes, the smile — *kilig*. His personality was even more enticing. I loved his personality. I loved how strong he was. I admired him for who he has become.
We both were 2nd chances. meaning, we had a chance for love and marraige but both got blown away. and thank heavens for facebook, we got reconnected. But, i do believe that it is something magical — coz something in me clicked. The ice has started to melt away, block by block… and maybe just maybe there was something there. I was giddy, I was happy — and for the first time in a long time, I was dreamy.
The last of the 10 days, I suffered. I suffered the fate of a girl who is confused, trying to control herself and arguing with herself over and over. Reel it in, Mind over heart. Never rush. we dont want another stupid mistake. Yet, it was fun a new overwhelming feeling….
I also got harrassed, had super bad days and met new friends. Special people got sick and I felt the all time low this week. I was paranoid, crazy and cried randomly. But its all part and parcel of being me. 😀 this crazy girl is now back to her sane self.
Next 10? Let’s hope for progress….
I talked to my SUPER SPECIAL FRIEND last night. Bonding. It was great. I got a lot off my chest. I opened up a lot. Things have been busy, productive and since its a Friday, fabulous as of late. 😀 you dont get any better than this.
I learned too, a few minutes ago that someone is giving birth. Oh, WHAT A BLESSING. yes … this is a wonderful day.