Posted in cheverloo

IAn Update on What I feel.

I am rejuvinated after that  shower. WOOT. We did a lot today for Crystal and Tach’s apartment and I got my stuff from Al’s place. I have had a lot of thoughts on things lately so if you want to read just click the cut.

There are a lot of things on my mind right now. I think that it is safe for me to say that I am quite pleased on how I handled things the last couple of months. I have been going through a tough time, but I think I did well for myself and not failed myself – just like people expected.

I have a job, a good paying one at that. I have friends, I am making new life decisions everyday. I feel like I have a new lease on life. There is a bounce in my step, there is a sparkle in my eye. I feel alive. I feel HAPPY to be alive and not dreading another day to trudge through.

It has been a long time since I felt that. The last time was about the first year of my marraige to Al. God, I loved him and I do still love him so much. But, I think I fell in love again with myself more than him and that helped me get over the fact that he did not love me anymore. I am just glad it is a fairly easy breakup. Its not as messy as some of the others I have heard.

It has been at least 2 months since I left Kedzie. That night, I was devastated, my world was falling apart and I really did not know what to do. But hope, faith and friends helped me get through this difficult part in my life. I never lost myself to negativity, I always found something positive in the situation. Everyday was a struggle to get through even to just put on a tiny smile for my friends so they would not worry.

I could not have done this without them. livingdeadcrizl and orochiyamazaki were there for me all the way.  chibimizutenshi, iverin  and a lot of other friends cheered me on and that gave me a little more push in the day to make it all alright. I am soo grateful to have these friends. I love them so much. 

I took my things out of Al’s place today. It wasnt as hard as I thought. I was there with aquarianfae and to tell you the truth, it was nice seeing him. Though, I expected a bit more out of him. He said that he was happy with his life without me, but why does it seem that he has no light in his eyes today? Why is there no passion in his life? Why does it feel like he’s dead? I don’t  know. I worry about him really. He looked miserable to me, even though he was trying to portray and show me that he was really happy without me and he didnt want me there. But, why do I have the feeling that he’s more lost or depressed?

I should be the one that is like that. He was the one who decided to break it off. I was the one in pain and am still in pain. But how come I bounced back? How come he’s not happier? I need to see that he’s happier – even though he was calmer – he was not happier. He felt the same to me – wait no, he felt worse off. He felt like a zombie to me. WHERE WAS THE LIGHT IN HIS EYES?

It is pissing me off entirely, but at the same time, I am kinda glad that I saw that. I found that I am happier now, independent, free, and though I do miss him a lot. I feel that I am stronger than he is.

GOD, what pissed me off today was that he did NOT clean Genty’s cage when I got it. OMG. Is it so hard to clean a hamster cage? he promised to take care of him! GAH I got sooo pissed.

ON my Looks

I have been happier also with the way I look. NOt only the hair, ( though I could use a trim or someting) I have been workng out a lot and that gave me A LOT MORE ENERGY. I am now officially like the Energizer Bunny that just keeps on going and going – I love endorphins. I love the feeling of working out  I love the way I look, my figure is near optimal and I love the fact that I can start up a sport that I feel that I have neglected all these years.

On Family life

I am worried about my mom. she is sick right now and I do not  know when the next time i will see her again after this August trip to Florida. I think she finally gave up trying to change me. Now that she is sick, she is realizing that we should meet halfway and herway is not the only way. I dont know about my Dad though, I feel like he has disowned me, but I will know for sure in August. I love my family but I do need to be independent.

I hope everything will be alright in florida.

Well, I have to work tommorow I keep hearing my phone ringing as well…

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Author:

A 30 something fangirl, writer, artist and dreamer, a princess by day and ninja by night who believes in magic, true love and wants to change the world one brush stroke at a time. Marikit is a self-taught artist learning more about art and the world around her.

4 thoughts on “IAn Update on What I feel.

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